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Blonde jokes Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them. Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!" Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the breaststroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms." What's the difference between a blond and a brick? When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking. How do you confuse a blond? Put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? Tells you she did it. What does a blonde and a computer have in common? You never appreciate either one until they go down on you. What do you call a blond with a dollar on her head? All you can eat under a buck. What is the similarity between a smart blond, Santa and the tooth fairy? They are all make believe. Why did the blond climb on the roof? She heard that drinks were on the house. What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are? Play ball. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? One... blondes will screw anything. How do you tell if a blonde is sexually satisfied? Who cares? How is a blonde different than a 747? Not everyone has been in a 747. Why are blondes brain pea sized in the morning? It swelled. What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair? Artificial intelligence. What do a blonde and a screen door have in common? The more you bang them the looser they get. What do turtles and blondes have in common? Once they're on their back they're screwed. How is a blonde like a doorknob? Everybody gets a turn. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant. What do blondes say in the morning? Who are you guys anyway. What do blondes and cow pies have in common? The older they get the easier they are to pick up. What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it? A thought What is the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you get on a trampoline. A dumb blonde a smart blonde and Santa Claus jump off of a bridge, who makes the bigger splash? The dumb blonde because the others don't exist. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ears. What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? Nothing. They've never met. How do you drown a blond? Put a mirror in the bottom of a pool. How does a blonde like her eggs? Unfertilized! Why do blondes wear green lipstick? Because red means stop. What do you say to a blonde who won't give in? Have another beer. What do you call a brunette with a blond on either side? An interpreter. What do you call a blond with a brunette on either side? A language barrier. What's the first thing a blond does in the morning? Introduce herself. Go home. What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? Opens the car door. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear? Thanks for the refill. Why do blondes have more fun? Because they don't know any better. How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? There's whiteout all over the screen. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch the information into a computer once. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months? Because it said right on the box - "from 2-4 years." What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What is the difference between a Blonde and the Titanic? We know how many men went down on the Titanic. Why don't blondes talk while having sex? Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. Their mothers told them not to talk with their mouths full. Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm. What is brunette and has bad breath? A blond standing on her head The Pregnancy machine A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father. Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch. The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent. After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep. Starting Salary Reaching the end of the job interview, the interviewer asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?". The candidate responded confidently, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a benefits package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say a red Corvette?" The graduate sat up, mouth agape and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer responded, "Of course ... but you started it!" The Magician A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "He's hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship ran into trouble, and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hate, but did not say a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After 3 days the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" Daisy A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand. Man: "What was that for?" Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?" Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on." The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him. Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head. Man: "What's that for this time?" Wife: "Your horse called." Tasty peanuts A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em." Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness: "I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice." "Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving." "Blink once for 'yes'". "What do you mean we have the wrong patient?" "Why is there a tag on his toe?" "Do you think he can hear us?" "I didn't even know a human could bend that way." "I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anesthesia. Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy." "Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open." "Did the doctor know he would look like that afterward?" "Of course I've performed this operation before, nurse!" "Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great 'ER' script." Q&A Q: What do Lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personality. Q: What is the difference between 365 used condoms and a car tire? A: One is a 'Good Year' and the other is a 'Very Good Year'. Q: How does a vampire make tea? A: With a used tampon.
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